Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Spot The Difference...

Look at the images below and try and spot the difference...

It seems that there are a number of people in our home of Australia who are unable to see that these two images may not be the same thing.

Today being Anzac Day, I finally realised the extent of the stupidity that this country is able to display. I was disgusted by the number of times that the infamous Collingwood vs. Essendon AFL game was compared to the Anzac spirit. They kept drawing ridiculous conclusions from far fetched comparisons to justify a game of football on a day of rememberance. They even went so far as to mention the age of conscription and how similar it is to the age that their players get signed to clubs. Yeah, you fucking morons, because I'm sure all those guys who went to war vastly preferred seeing their friends die, lose limbs, suffer from malnutrition, dysentery and gangrene only to return home and have nightmares for the rest of their lives about the attrocities they've seen, than join a football club and get paid more money than I'll ever see in my life to kick a ball, touch other guys asses, get drunk in pubs and be drooled over by women with nothing better to do.

If you failed to spot the difference in my diatribe, you might want to look to your mental health...

Friday, April 20, 2007

Watzing Matilda: Explained

Thanks to Uncyclopedia we have finally been brought the translation of our un-official national anthem into lay-man's English.


The song's appeal

Reasons for the strong empathy Australians feel for this song include:
  • it's easy to remember while drunk
  • it makes fun of homeless people
  • it makes fun of the police
  • it has a sheep in it

The Translation:

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong
A happy tramp dressed in women's clothes shared his drugs with Bill
Under the shade of a coolibah tree
Under a tree. If you couldn't figure this one out, you need better help than I can offer
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his Billy boiled
The tramp lulled Billy into a false sense of security, then killed him and stuck him in a pot
"Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me?"
I just gotta DANCE!
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda
Dance, Dance
Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me
I need someone to dance with me
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his Billy boiled
He sang to drown out poor Billy's screams, granted he was dead, but he's like one of those lobsters
"Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me?"
I just gotta DANCE!
Down came a jumbuck to drink at the water-hole
Go away!
Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee
Fine. A jumbuck is a sheep, and... oh my god
And he sang as he stuffed that jumbuck in his tuckerbag
No way. There might be children reading this, for god's sake!
"You'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me."
...Forget it, you're on your own
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda...
(By this point, the singer is invariably drunker than a fish living in beer, and repeats the last line until unconscious.)

Who can't relate to that gem?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Spiders on Drugs: Exposed!!

Har Mar Superstar and the Red Hot Chili Peppers

Why anyone thought that Har Mar Superstar would be a good support for the Peppers is beyond me, but I for one think he rocks.

I went to the Peppers gig in Melbourne last night (Tuesday) not having any idea who the support was. I was soooo excited when I found out it was him since he's the funniest guy I've ever seen on stage. He's this fat, not terribly young, balding guy who somehow manages to make himself into a sex god on stage. He's not afraid to take the piss out of himself, and without fail ends up on stage in nothing but his underwear.

Anyway, he got boo'd non stop on stage at the gig. I was so disgusted with the crowd and made sure I cheered extra loud with the few of us who loved him. It was quite depressing, but he handled it really well, and just didn't give a fuck and loved being on stage all the same.

So...this is just a shoutout to Har Mar Superstar from a fan in Melbourne who was cheering for you while the rest of the crowd boo'd. Fuck them I say. You rocked all the same. Keep doing great work.

Anyway, check out his website at and if you get a chance listen to the song D.U.I. (Dialling Under the Influence - launch the e-card, it's playing in the background), something I'm sure we've all done at some stage in our lives.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Nicholas Cage + Bear Suit + Violence towards Women. Australia says...well, you tell me...

I recently made the mistake of hiring the Wicker Man remake from my local video store...There is only 1 reason anyone should see this film, and that is because at moments it is unintentionally funny. Perhaps the trailer should have gone something like this...

and for those of you who missed why this film could possibly be it is again in slow motion...